TESTIMONIAL OF A PARTICIPANT WHO IS FIGHTING TO CHANGE HER LIFE.
What to do when you fall back into the domination of the old destructive programme?
LETTER FROM A READER, AND RESPONSE
I am Judith. I shared one of the most beautiful, magical and thrilling experiences of my life with you.
I was at the inner evolution retreat that you did in Marbella. If I dare to take this step in writing to you, it is because I have reached my limit. I’m giving a strong nudge to some of my characters, which is complicating things for me on the other hand; leading me to feelings, situations and destructive and self-destructive behaviour. I think I’m getting carried away by my crazy mind once again and I don’t know how to stop it.
The team at the retreat opened up a universe without limitations, my soul regained its magic. I reconnected with love, as if it had been a dream, but it isn’t, it’s REAL! But why do I fall back into loop even stronger? Why does that horrifying laziness that I thought was more or less under control in the deprogramming process, return?
Maybe I’ve been an deluded. Now my character comes back to me, more latently. How can I recreate so much destruction? Is it part of cleaning and deprogramming? Can these sensations and such muddy situations lead me to love? Is it my crazy mind that returns more strongly to take charge and refuses to let go? Or is it really my heart that is giving me the key? Maybe it is a cure of humility so longed for, hitting me hard and forcefully against the shadows of my darkness so that I stop controlling the need to know how to do it.
I am a sea of doubt, with a hangover of pain and violence. How to stop? How to release? How to give up? How can I cancel so much noise and listen to my soul? How can I learn to play with victim-hood, and thus dismantle it? How to stop so much noise again? How to return to love? How to get so much destruction to fuck off?
I thank you for a couple of snippets! A huge hug and a thousand thanks
Everything you longed to happen in your life has already happened to you, you could see it and feel it that weekend during the retreat. Sometimes it seems that this experience has been intense but temporary because we are not aware, in its real magnitude, of what goes on at the deepest levels. For that reason, to integrate it into daily life it takes time, patience and dedication. Healing occurs at a high level, beyond our comprehension, and after that moment arrives on the astral plane it begins to descend to our daily reality, gradually bringing the healing energy down. A great pressure is felt, because from this material plane where we already know everything, resistance is activated to receive the unknown.
Suddenly the mystery has come to visit you and you were not ready, you could never be (when you are ready to meet the mystery, it does not come). Therefore trust is the only thing that can help you receive and allow that healing energy to become definitively installed in your life, but from an innocent and receptive attitude.
If your consciousness has already seen that you can live with an open heart, then everything is already happening, there is nothing you have to do. Comprehension is already happening little by little. You will have to go through many things before total liberation reaches your life. The road is exciting. It is not an ordeal. It is creative, magical and entertaining. It is not a burden. Perception of the process is part of the healing. The worst has already happened. When you lived suffering without knowing anything about why, without even having hope that anything could change. What would your life be like if you had not realised the destructive character that dominated your life? How would you feel if you had not been aware of your situation? How would you be right now if you had not had that “beautiful, magical and thrilling experience” in the retreat you did with us?
When we start a process of transformation in our life, we want to do everything to accelerate the changes. We want everything to happen right now, forgetting that the problems we have, have been gestated for many years of our lives. There has been a great accumulation of situations and thoughts that led us to negative conclusions, hence the destructive character was born. And for now it has the power, it is the boss of all the characters that accompany us in life. It is the one who directs the whole strategy because it is the one who has the thought that life has no meaning, everything is shit, you can not trust anyone, you all deserve to die, there is no solution and the only option is to continue with your heart closed because no one deserves love. But those thoughts are of “that” character or main protagonist of the novel of your life, it’s not yours, it’s a substitute for who you really are. Your discovery is that there is someone or something beyond that character. What you are exploring is your essence, pure, clean, loving and powerful; it is the potentiality that you have and have brought to life. It is your launching platform to a new life.
Once we are aware of what dominated us and wants to continue dominating us, a great internal battle begins. The anguish of not knowing what will happen, the fear of losing everything, of feeling like old characters who had accompanied us throughout a lifetime have all died. And this anguish is new and unknown, so it is debated: whether to avoid this new anguish by accessing the unknown in exchange for continuing to feel the same anguish as always, or do we dare to cross it even if it is unknown. Which anguish is worse? The one we have been feeling all our life or the one that arises now because we are cutting the roots of our suffering?
The same anguish that arises from the activation of old patterns of behaviour is part of the medicine that you have to drink every day, until when you least expect it, it will evaporate on its own. Because it is not real anguish, which based on the fact that you are blind and lost without knowing where to go or what to do, but rather a transitory anguish that your characters use to be able to still stay in power a little longer. There is no way to prevent that day from reaching you. You have already seen it. You have already felt it. You already know it. You have regained your memory. Everything else will come your way. Creativity, love and comprehension will come when you have completed that change of perception with yourself. You are innocent, you deserve the best, and that there is nothing and no one who can change that.
Alberto José Varela