A searcher who ended the search when he found himself.
The very start of this book could give you such disappointment that you probably stop reading just after you begin. As I will tell you my experiences as spiritual wandered in the feat of a quest destined to die. With this tale you may be able to understand many aspects of your own quest and help you to find what you are looking for. However, be mindful that if you find it you will stop searching.
I will start at the end. I mean with the most important of all I have found. I start there because if what I found is not what you are looking for, I do not think that it would be convenient for you to waste your time reading the book. Perhaps you are looking for magical solutions, powerful answers, miraculous therapies, master medicine or innovative ideas, and if that is what you seek, I want you to know that it is a fair search. However, my search is very daring, risky and bold because it took me further than all that you might be looking for. It does not mean that I am more than you, rather that if I have been able to get further, that may inspire you to achieve it too.
I want to forewarn and anticipate that if you connect with the spirit of my search you will find something that you may not want to find or maybe you will not even be encouraged to find yourself. If you find yourself the quest for the search’s sake ends
My search took me to find the unique, the most important, the beginning and the end, what would end all questions, what would take me above all complaints, what would make me responsibly happy forever… I found myself.
And I found everything within myself. I discovered my power, I released my wisdom, I took charge of myself. I recovered the ability to make decisions and I gained the strength to sustain my decisions, I trusted existence and I let myself flow, I also stopped making choices. The paths cleared, the doors opened, the possibilities freed themselves up and I never needed a compass, a guide or a master to tell me what to do again. When we find ourselves we find the only teacher, so when I found myself I finished all the fruitless searches.
In my life I do not want judgements, guilt, complaints, excuses, critics, protests for how things, facts or people are. For me there are not how they should be. Because they simply Are.
However, I must admit that it was not what I was looking for at the beginning. My search was not clear; it was more a way to entertain myself, an escape and making myself believe that I was doing it for me. Yet it would seem that at some point in this fruitless search, the seeker, tired of seeking, meditated and realised that he himself was the object of the quest.
And perhaps the same may happen to you, even if you do not know well what you are seeking, you may find what you did not expect. For that reason I would like you to know that when the search comes from a brave heart, which is not afraid, if it starts in a soul that longs for freedom, who loves life, if the impulse is from a naughty courageous child who adores to investigate…then that search will take you very far, much further than you ever imagined. No matter where, how, what with or who with you are doing it, you will get there. That search will take you to the only possible destination: YOU
How the search starts
All began when I started to realise that all I had and did not make me as happy as I wanted. Things did not satisfy me in the deepest part of myself. That is how I went to many places, I read so many books, I sought in persons and situations, in countries and cultures, in religions and philosophies, seminars and therapies, at work, family, friends and also in materialism. Why not? In pleasure and lust, in thinking, doing and even feeling. I sought and sought not knowing what I sought. Even, I was not conscious that I was seeking, but it did not matter, I kept on seeking, until one day I realised what I was seeking for, I pinpointed the object of my quest.
Osho said: “A man becomes a seeker in the moment in which he realises that this worldly existence cannot be all there is”
The seeker in me was born the day I realised that what I was looking for could not be found where I was looking for it. I played down the importance of worldly and material things. I became conscious that there was something further than all we know. It was then where my search tuned in with a final and unchanging direction which remained for more than 20 years, that direction is me. It took me a long time to find myself, I turned round many times, but for that I had to become a spiritual wonderer.
In order to find what cannot be found in other methods of searching, it is necessary to come out of the known search methods. In order to seek out of the control zone we must get out of pre-established paradigms. The unknown cannot be accessed through known methods. You cannot be a free seeker if you are in line with a specific school of thought, entangled in a religion, enslaved by beliefs or fanatic referents, anchored in a particular thinking pattern, the first requirement is to become a spiritual wanderer.
A wanderer is not an indigent, an indigent ask for hand-outs, however a wanderer has self-sufficiency to travel and wander, someone who cannot be tied down by anyone, does not admit worldly attachment. Someone who knows that they cannot stay anywhere, a wanderer recognises the journey as goal itself. A spiritual wanderer is someone who knows also that in that never-ending journey something may happen one day which will make him find at the bottom of their heart what they were seeking and then they will stop wandering. A spiritual wanderer trusts that they will find that which will end all quests. They do not know where, when or why, but they know that the journey itself will provide the answer, the solution.
The encounter will take place
What I was looking for at the beginning was something that was much farther from the level I was ready for. I was looking for something in the depths but I was in the surface. The seeker was not compatible with the quest… and that is the first conflict that arises when the search is deep, the seeker has to become deep otherwise they will never find what they look for. It is not the same to take a touristic stroll than doing archaeological excavations. It is not the same painting the wall or fixing the dampness. Firstly the seeker must prepare, become strong, patient, persevering, serene, attentive, trusting, free, loving, open and fluid, constant and daring; if these values are not active in the seeker, they would know that was is sought after cannot be found. For that reason the first thing I did was to prepare myself for such a titanic quest.
Buddha says: “Once you understand that you are lost and that you must find your own path, and that no help will arrive, then you become responsible”
I knew that praying and asking is for irresponsible people. To place the trust outside is for irresponsible people. For that reason I centred myself on me and only on me. I knew that I would resort once and again to my own resources, that is why I decided to prepare myself.
My preparation was deep and simple at the same time, the idea that kept me company in this search was that all was lost, alone and that nothing or anyone could save me more than I could myself. All depended on my resources and my trust in the existence.
For that reason today I can state that I AM A MASTER WHO DOES NOT ADMIT MORE DISCIPLES. The quota of disciples is full. I only accept one and that quota I filled myself. I am teacher and also student, I am both at the same time. I give and receive, ask and respond, search and find. Hence there is not space for more disciples and there is not more search for masters. I follow myself. I am finished with the teachers outside me.
I suggest, to save time, money and effort, that you seek within yourself you own teacher, so you stop depending on others to make your own decisions. You are the best specialist in yourself. Nobody can do for you what you only can do. Jesus said¨ ”Come and follow me…” That is what masters have been saying for thousands of years, with the intention to guide and help you. My message is very different, even though I am not master to anyone but myself, I can give you my message, I want to share it, and it is: “GO AND FOLLOW YOURSELF…” you are the only one whom you will never escape, you are all you have, you are who carries all that can make you happy, you are the beginning and the end. There is nothing beyond you. All that is outside of you is nothing but what you produce within yourself.
Focus all search towards yourself, inwards and not outwards. The spiritual wanderer is in you too, activate it, trust in it, they are the guide which will lead you in this journey with absolute wisdom. Let the driver be that part of you, wild, pure and divine. You sit back and enjoy the ride. The spiritual wanderer will know very well where to go and what to do. It will take you where you want to go, do not argue with the paths it takes, do not worry for the speed or dangers that you will cross, only let it be, get out of the way, do not interfere.
The spiritual wanderer is that part of you which the solution and answers but which needs to walk the path in life so that you can see the itinerary and so that the landscapes you see are the original source of your changes. Your eyes will give you visions that you need to get to see, but you will have to wash them, open them wide open and take off the lenses. So one day you will get to see yourself.
Alberto José Varela
CONTINUES HERE: Chronicle of a spiritual wanderer (2) Loneliness
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