I DO NOT RECOMMEND READING THIS ARTICLE TO ANYONE WHO REALLY DOES NOT WANT TO SEE OR DISCOVER WHAT MAKES THEM SUFFER.
Writing gets me into trouble. I have received private messages from readers that show me that the post I published a few days ago “What is the origin? (Part one)” have opened many doors and windows, through which much light of comprehension and the wind of healing are entering. For some people the wind is like a cyclone that is moving everything around. They complain because they had all their ideas well-organised and now everything is being disturbed after reading my article. Others tell me that the article has opened a direct path to what they wanted, but the light entering dazzles them so much they would like to close their eyes. But I have many more comments, more or less positive, all converging on the same point: that I am in big trouble for touching aspects that are so sensitive and profound. This situation forces me to continue exposing my understanding of these internal matters that are related to the healing of the human being. Some people say to me, “as you have entered into something that touches us so deeply, you will have to continue”. Obviously, the more I get into these issues and concepts, the bigger the mess is going to get, but I am ready to continue until there are enough words, thoughts and energy to make this balloon explode into a great comprehension, for me and for those who read me.
In the first part I dropped a number of ideas that seem harmless, but they are a real danger for those who want to go on the same way as before. This was recently demonstrated by a psychologist and psychotherapist who reads everything I write -or rather swallows everything rather that reads it-, and every time I talk to him he is a great source of inspiration for me because he is such an intelligent, awakened and open being. Just by talking with him a few minutes I start to get more and more ideas of the points that we should not forget on the path of inner evolution towards healing. He just called me on the phone to ask a few questions which are summarised in this tremendous question: What is happening to me and why is it happening now? There is no need to give details of what he shared with me, but it is a question that has deployed a number of additional responses that can help find an answer to the most compelling of doubts that we have.
Healing has a distinctly existential and spiritual aspect, which is not related eaxctly with experienced trauma or wounds from the past. Rather it is related with the comprehension of existence. Reconciliation with the origin depends on knowing where I come from and where I am going, to understand why I exist, why I am who I am and why I am here. This is closely related to the question of this magnificent reader of my blog: What is happening to me now? Why is it happening to me?
Everything that happens to us is intimately related to the point we are at within a process of evolution of consciousness that leads inexorably towards healing.
There are people who create a virtual reality about themselves with their great capacity to comprehend and assimilate concepts, as if they were building a place in which they believe they are or which they think have reached by reading books, taking courses and workshops; by being filled with knowledge and having answers to almost everything. But suddenly something happens that overwhelms them, that they cannot fit in, exposing them to their real situation and making them see that the place where they thought they were is merely a fantasy. Now is the moment to recognise and come clean. There is no other option if you do not want to continue in the same loop that causes suffering.
These people who are able to comprehend that everything is a dream, that existence is a game, that what we see is illusory, are people who usually have many issues that need resolving and that for some reason have not been able to do so. Therefore they use their spiritual comprehensions as a shelter from the pain they could feel by having access to these omitted or unresolved issues. In that sense the comprehension of dreams and illusion can make us be indulgent with ourselves; understanding some aspects of existence and spirituality can be an elusive act to avoid accessing the core of pain, which in turn hides the origin of why we keep recreating ourselves in the same way over and over again.
It is possible that these words may orientate you. When we do not know true love we become unworthy. We feel we deserve the worst, or the best is not for us. That is when the storm breaks inside. This happens to us when we are children, and facing both uncontrolled movements of emotions and unpleasant feelings, all we can do is control, forget, look away and become distracted.
That is why in this world there so many things that are specially designed to distract human beings, so as not to remember the disaster that we come from. Fun and distraction move a large global business, which incidentally serves the system so that everybody remains the same, forgetting that at some point they realised that no one loved them. Would remembering that be tragic for humanity? It is much more tragic to hide it in the unconscious, because it is from there that self-destructive behaviour arises. From that concealment, infinite mechanisms are created with their own intelligence that are activated just in time and at the right moment so that everything remains the same. They are loops programmed by the unconscious in order to not get out of what teachers called the wheel of error; which for me is the wheel of horror. What sense is there in continuing to recreate ourselves in trauma? Why do we continue to attract situations to wallow in the pain caused by our wounds?
Where does the urge to unconsciously harm ourselves us come from?
Recovering the memory of this tragic reality of not having been loved opens us all to do therapy, to heal the primary wound, to understand and support each other. It predisposes us to seek a solution. That is why I feel that as human consciousness increases, everyone is preparing for therapy. There is no other choice if we want to solve the root of our problems. But it is a totally new, original and as yet unknown therapy.
What I can verify in so many people that I see in several of the retreats we organise and that I attend, is the great need for therapy. Maybe that is the main reason why more and more people come to our retreats. Because we direct everything to the deepening in oneself through psycho-therapeutic processes that ready us to make the great leap inward. We are creating this new type of therapy that can get to the root of the problem.
The non-experience of love, or the experience of a false love, is the source of all addiction, all suffering, all imbalances, and all dis-harmonies. That is why when constructing an identity or character that accepts the rejection and worthlessness, all kinds of mechanisms begin to be created that will be ready to play the same song for a lifetime. Again and again the same things will be heard: “I AM WORTHLESS “, “I AM NOT GOOD FOR THIS “, “I AM NOT WORTHY” “I DO NOT DESERVE IT” “BOTH THE GOOD AND BEST ARE NOT FOR ME”, playing along to gloomy background music, like a loop voice-over to guide us along the path of suicide.
It is so obvious that if what happens to us is not compatible with what we deserve, it is because we have not yet come to forgive and value ourselves, getting rid of all the guilt or feeling of unworthiness. If before anything that happens to you and makes you suffer, you say from the depth of your comprehension: “This is not for me because I do not deserve it” then you will never be hurt again. If you still harm yourself is because you still do not know what you are worth.
My spontaneous response to this man who called me today was “YOU HAVE NOT YET DISCOVERED WHAT YOU ARE WORTH. YOU HAVE NOT YET RECOVERED DIGNITY. YOU DO NOT YET LOVE YOURSELF. ”
He replied: “Now I realise that I could love others to the same extent as I loved myself.”
I said, “All repetitive behaviour is an act of affirmation of a thought that is installed. You are still addicted to punishment. The ghoulish set of tools that you have created and perfectly use to torture yourself is admirable. Unconscious tools of self-torture.” He started laughing endlessly repeating again and again: “Tools of self-torture we used to punish ourselves” I started laughing like a madman as well… The expression is very confrontational but very funny at the same time, because it lays bare the absurd attitude that we acquired to continue in the same old shit. He said, “I have to go now, I have to give a lecture in 20 minutes, I heard what I needed to hear, thank you.”
We let others mistreat us, we allow ourselves to be humiliated, accept betrayal, we support those who lie to us or reject us, and we follow those who lead us to the precipice of incomprehension… What are we doing?
The presence and absence of love, seeking the root of an existential conflict
At the beginning I said that healing has a distinctly existential and spiritual aspect, which is not related exactly with experienced trauma or wounds from the past. Rather it is related with the comprehension of certain aspects of existence to find peace and harmony in our hearts. Everything boils down to the same question this reader posed to me: Why does what happens to me, happen to me?
Although it may seem that the absence of love is a psycho-emotional fact which is considered like a wound of the past or trauma that must be addressed from a therapeutic point of view, for me, all situations related to the absence or lack of love are, in the end, a purely existential problem with spiritual roots which give the clue to the origin of human conflict. This conflict cannot be solved with therapies. But they can prepare us to make the leap towards the great comprehension if they are therapies supported by an expansion of consciousness and a precise support to bring each person to the precise point from which to take the leap… to healing.
Heartbreak is the deepest experience to comprehend. Realising that we come from love and that we go towards love, that everything is done for love and that in the middle we have had to experience lack of love in many ways and in many moments of life from a very early age.
The experiences of rejection, humiliation, judgment, abandonment, mistreatment, betrayal, abuse and repression create a imprint of heartbreak that soaks deep into any human being. Deep within lives the existential conflict of greater calibre; it is so complex that it cannot be seen clearly by a mind that does not have too many resources to go beyond what the eyes can see, it is so mysterious that it cannot be discovered by an intelligence that is not able to focus on the unknown. Transcending this original conflict depends on an inner evolution path where therapies and spirituality converge in an integrated and complementary manner pointing towards the same goal: the healing of the soul. I define that as RECONCILIATION WITH EXISTENCE.
We can spend our life and eternity wondering, Why have I lived this? And based on this question you can undergo millions of hours of the best therapies, you can intravenously inject litres of Ayahuasca, you can be the most holy and devoted disciple, or you can get to make the most unimaginable sacrifices, but the question will still swarm upon your unconscious. The mind will give superficial answers, but your heart will not comprehend. At best, reason will make you look for help, but you will not be able to do more than self-fool yourself that “you have worked on it”. But your soul will know that the feeling of incomprehension remains there. It may even happen to you like it happened to me, you may have reached love, you may have experienced it in many ways, with many people and with different kind of bonds, but they only relieve the pain that emerges from realising that we are in a world where everything we create serves only to replace the lack of love. There are millions of people who face this disaster of not being able to live and experience love. They are thrown into a superficial life, full of distractions and evasions, or very tragic and tortured lives, that even led to suicide.
How strange and contradictory it is that love has created everything and that it is the most powerful creative force and on the other hand that it has got us into a virtual space-time to experience its absence, condemning us to boldly look for it, enslaving us to do everything to achieve it. As if we had gotten into an existential bubble separated from love so that the desire to reunite turn us into creative and constructive beings, beings who invent all sorts of useful and beautiful things.
In this sense, I recognise the inspiration in me right now after spending two days and nights at EuroDisney in Paris. I came with my younger daughters, aged 8 and 13 years old, Amelýs and Anahí, they are happy to be here. Paula and I looked at them and we let them know in a thousand ways how much we love them, and I am aware that loving them is a mitigating factor for the existential conflict that maybe someday they will understand as well. I see so many beautiful things here, is spectacular, beautiful scenery, I also see so much fun and distraction of thousands of people that I cannot omit to give a deeper look into what they evidence, that basically they have the same original trauma associated with unawareness, the absence or lack of love.
It seems incredible that it is our own essence that we cannot know and experience: LOVE. And the few or weak records of love that we have are mostly of a distorted love, full of manipulation and blackmail; lowercase love that relates to care, gifts, overprotection and fill us up with material things. A kind of love that indebts us, that enslaves us and further aggravates the conflict.
Being LOVE but not living from LOVE is something that we can come to comprehend, integrate and convert into an energy that can transform us from the root.
My mother told me when I was very small, “You are an inventor boy”. I am using that creative energy to turn words and ideas in a thousand ways so they can magically be transformed into comprehension.
If we take advantage of that creative energy that we all have, it is possible that most of us will not get to paint a great painting or write magnificent texts, carve majestic sculptures or compose beautiful songs, but it is certain that we will be able to build a personalized and original path to individual healing. Because achieving the realization of Being is the true masterpiece, being yourself is the creative act par excellence.
I think it is time to get into this existential conflict based on not knowing who we are, what is our essence, on having forgotten where we came from and where we are going.
I leave it for the next article.
Alberto José Varela